Saturday, September 23, 2006
Sectarian violence is ripping Princeton apart. Botanical humans are at war with a cervine insurgency that has greater defoliation power than a squadron-load of Agent Orange. Not only are these flower-devouring deer the scourage of every gardener in town, but they enjoy enormous popular support from humans who no longer have the moral confidence to support their own species (hence the obvious evidence that this deer has already been captured but, inexplicably, has not been disappeared into a secret prison). Indeed, the situation has gotten so bad that photographers who purport to document the insurgency's depredations seem to be working with the deer. How could the photographer have gotten so close if he didn't have advance knowledge that an attack would occur? Didn't the photographer have a moral obligation to protect his, er, wife's flowers? The truth is, the photographer couldn't have recorded the attack at least without some cooperation from the insurgency. He obviously did a sleazy, double-deal just to get a picture for his blog.
Context, context, and more farookin' context.
All is not lost, however. I seem to recall that Princeton hires snipers to cull its urban deer herd. Under its Community Based Deer Management Plan, Princeton hired a Connecticut-based sniper group - White Buffalo - that took down 322 animals in a two week period- just barely sufficient to keep Bambi's mom and cousins from completely defoliating the ivy. You can read more from the outraged "Deer Alliance", or if you prefer the Quixotic Quislings Coalition, at http://www.deeralliance.org/netandbolt.html
Next, we're going to start holding debates about which tactics are considered acceptably coercive and which tactics are considered to be torture when it comes to interrogating the insurgent deer population.
Where's Senator McCain when we need him