Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Judy McGuire deconstructs Spring in NYC
Judy McGuire, who writes the hilarious (and adult rated) "Date Girl" column in the weekly New York Press, gets the feature in this week's issue. She takes on all facets of spring in New York with both barrels blazing, as usual:
As many New Yorkers are originally from elsewhere and grew up with luxuries like lawns, the tiniest patch of syringe- and poo-littered grass inexplicably compels even the most uptight lady to strip down to her skivvies in order to soak up cancerous, wrinkle-causing rays. Interestingly enough, these same bikini-clad sun-worshippers get annoyed when the hordes of the horny comment on their state of undress. Ladies, you're wearing panties in midtown. C'mon. I'm not saying anyone deserves to be accosted, but either develop a thicker skin, or put on some pants.
When you're still having snowstorms into late March, by the time spring really kicks in, it's understandable that one could get a little over-excited about not having to wear 10 sweaters and woolen undergarments. But 55 degrees does not mean it's time to bust out the bikini. The frenzied and premature leap into summer—mile-long lines for Shake Shack (they're burgers, people!) and overnight proliferation of scanty clothing—has convinced me that the collective IQ of New York drops 10 points in direct proportion to each degree warmer the weather.
66. It's sunny! I wanna eat outdoors! C'mon—don't be a party pooper! I don't care if we're sitting at a sidewalk table on a truck route. Exhaust fumes aren't so bad, silly! Look, I can get a tan with my omelet! Hey—where's that guy going with my purse!
67. With the shucking of coats comes a two-week period during which certain men are so captivated by the sudden reappearance of boobies that they find it impossible to look anywhere but at your tits.
69. Guess what this makes me think of? Yeah, dude! 69!
70. Normally sensible men replace their Converse with the dreaded mandal.
71. Normally sensible men accessorize the aforementioned mandal with man-diggers. Please note: Pants or shorts. There is no in-between.
72.–74. It's around this time that those annoying couples whom everyone hates on sight decide to bust out the PDAs. Please note that dry humping is no more acceptable in May than it is in December.
75. B-cup or better should be wearing a bra. No, really.
76. The sight of so much bare flesh causes single people across the city to gouge out their own eyes, while coupled folks start to seriously believe they're hot enough to consider trading up.
77. Time to rewax. Ouch.
78. Citizens across the city schedule tetanus shots as unwise footwear choices force thousands into the city's already overburdened emergency rooms.
79. One more degree and it's summer!
80. Now the stupid really starts.
2 Comments:
By 
Charlottesvillain, at
Tue May 03, 04:25:00 PM:
Hey, we can't all aspire to the Instalanche. Someone's got to cover the basics!
By TigerHawk, at
Tue May 03, 05:04:00 PM:
A great blog consists of many parts.
